Զառանցապատում

all i need is an understanding person next to me. i know i can’t live like this anymore. everybody are kinda annoying me. nerves, nerves, nerves… that’s what my aunt says. and again – love is not enough for me. i need also understanding. i’m so lonely at the moment. there’s no one to tell what’s going on inside myself. and yet the chats, emails and phone calls aren’t enough. i need someone next to me, live, talking to me and understanding. and there’s absolutely no one.
my mum… i think she’s the main reason i’m feeling like this. she’s away. so i have to do more than i can. i need her next to me. more than ever. how am i going to live the upcoming 2 weeks? wait, wait, wait… it’s all i can do. i hope i’ll stay alive til the day of her arrival.
no friends around. absolutely no one. haven’t heard from Am for ages. ah, she’s living a completely different life now. i think we don’t have anything common.
hm… the one i loved before. where’s he? he hasn’t called me since my bday. i’m sure he understands me more than anybody else. it’s because we’re similar, we have many things to share. well, he has forgotten me too.
Mariana… i wish i could see her. but what’s the matter? why can’t i see her? she’s there, always available for talk and understanding………………………………………………… ……. …………………………………………….***************** ******** ********************************************************************** ******* ********************************************************************** ******* ***************************************************************~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*************************************** ******* ********************************************************************** ******* *******************************************************…………… ……. …………………………………………………………… …….. ……………………………

i hate postponing my tests. this is the first time since i was in my freshman year. and i hate to pass tests on saturdays. friday is a day of quietness and calmness.
the only reason of postponing this test was my bday… what if i won’t pass it at all? yeah, the exam… hm… and it’s just because of my bday. well, i hope the teacher will let me to take it next week…

one of the worst days of my life… i hate it… i learned one thing on the very first day of being a 19-year-old. being surrounded by people who love you isn’t enough. you need to be understood. and i felt i’m not. yeah, it’s my birthday. ok, that’s fine. i told everyone not to bother me because i’m not going to have a party. and yet nobody listened to me. many telephone calls and guests… ok, i know they love me. but what’s the need of that love if they hurt me? i told Am i need her today and that the only person i want to see is her… not even a call from her…
and i want him right now… can he understand me? is he like the others? he hasn’t called me yet. what if he won’t?
yeah, the people i need suddenly disappear on this so-called special day. but the people i don’t want to see remember me and decide to show “how much they love me.”
oh, God, You’re the only one who understands me.

shivering…
it’s cold outside and… inside… what can i call this feeling? why don’t i do what i planned to do a week ago? why don’t i call him?
it’s because of the 2 pages… on the same sheet… me and him. on the same sheet of paper, on opposite sides. so that we’ll never meet without tearing the paper. but we’re soooo near at the same time…

i was shocked…
i came home and there was a thick envelope lying on the sofa. i saw a familiar handwriting on it. it was from Tatev. i’ve been waiting for her letter for a very long time… i opened it imediately. before reading the letter, i found another paper in the envelope. i looked at it. it was a picture. a familiar style and a familiar signature: ARTO. i have one of those in of the dusty corners of my room. where the hell did Tatev find it? even before reading the letter, i was imagining my reply, “…i was shocked to see Arto’s picture. i would like to tell you that he’s the same painter i wrote about in one of my stories…” i was even more surprised after reading her letter. it turned out that she knew that it’s the same person and she also wrote that he’s dead…
and i remembered his drawings in frames in vernisage… someone else was selling them. it was about a month ago… i was surprised to see someone else standing next to Arto’s works. i was surprised to see those pictures in frames and not hanging on a rope… and he’s not with us anymore. he won’t say “akh, dzerqers” (oh, my hands) anymore. i won’t sit on the same bench anymore and i won’t write about him…

having a little rest now. still 19 russian and 18 armenian pages left… 2 hours to go… need to drink some coke now to get more strength.
it was raining while i was reading. i was jealous of those who were free to do anything they wanted. i wished to write something at that moment… and the leaves on the ground… i wished to walk on them… they remind me of something nice and sad. autumn is here and i have no time to notice it.
…my histology test last year… i remember my teacher asking me to recite “autumn melody” by vahan teryan. it was the moment that i noticed the autumn was there… no such teachers this year, no kindness. oh, how sweet was my sophomore year! i wish i could go back there… my favorite subjects, my favorite teachers, my favorite lifestyle… how i enjoyed studying then! how i enjoyed my time spent in the uni, in the reading hall… now i don’t want anything. studying is kind of a must in order to finish the uni, to become the doctor i don’t really want… and the hate i feel around myself… and the peace i feel inside… no more comparing with others. that’s the only good thing about this year. i’ve grown up probably.

pharmacology… a word that is ringing in my ear all the time. a test for tomorrow and a terrible headache. actually, there’s not much to do. 50 pages from the armenian book and 40 pages from the russian one. not very difficult. but when i remember my strict teacher standing in front of me who is trying not to believe in everything i say, i begin to shiver… scary… and no other chance. my terrible headache. what if i won’t be able to prepare because of this stupid pain? no other chance… oh, this 3rd year isn’t so difficult. the most difficult thing is getting along with the teachers. they kinda know that the 3rd year is the most difficult so they try to make it also scary, totally like a nightmare. ooh, 8 months til waking up…

i’m tired today. i didn’t go to Marianna’s party. i don’t feel very well. slept the whole day.
i miss him. i need him again. it’s weird… some months ago he was the part of my past i wanted to forget. now he’s the only part i want to remember. i want to leave all my friends from the past. not many. only 3. i thought about it this morning when i was going to the hospital. i think it’s impossible. although i don’t have anything in common with them anymore, i can’t leave them. we’re connected somehow.
miss, you sweetie. haha, do you read this? if you did, i wouldn’t write about you so much.