Զառանցապատում

i met my pen pal Ani today. we had been writing to each other for already 2 years but we had never seen each other before. i had my last letter ready for her. it was kind of unusual to give it to her right away instead of sending it via post.
we talked a lot. it was like we had known each other for years and yet it was the first time we met. it was really unbelievable.
she’ll come to study here from september. wow, i think we’ll be great friends!

my mum was chatting and didn’t care i was lonely. Am was busy. so there was nobody to talk to me. i took the book i had started 2 weeks ago. i read a page. couldn’t go on. i needed someone to talk to and yet there was no one. where were all my friends? they were there in their own places. it was me who had disappeared. so i took my pager and went out silently, without saying a word to my mum.
as i walked down sayat-nova, i looked at the colorful clouds of the sunset. beautiful! and i realized it was my fault that i was so lonely. the first star appeared. it was so bright. “my star is shining today to make me feel i’m not lonely.”
and then i went to the park where i used to go with Anahit almost every summer day soooo long ago. oh, there are too many cafes now. there were the fountains. we used to sit in front of them and share our diaries. where are her diaries now? did she keep those til her death? if she did, does her family still keep those? oh, my dear friend, every tree, every stone in that park reminds me of you.
i remembered our crazy days and then the last time we went there… it was after she had an operation and passed her exams for uni.
i continued my walk. “dear trees, do you remember that many years ago i wasn’t coming here alone? i was with Anahit. she’s dead now.” and the wind was blowing. the sound of the leaves. she was there. i felt cold.
i was there for a search of someone i know, someone to talk to for a while. ah, there were no familiar faces.
as i was going back home, i received a message on my pager: “call mum.” oh, so she was worrying. i hurried a bit and got out of the park. then… i saw a familiar face. it was… my first love. i said hello and continued my walk. no, i wasn’t there to see him.
i looked for a phone. found one at last. didn’t work. another one. didn’t work as well. the third one. called my mum at last. she was rather worried than angry. “i’m coming, ma.”
to whom do i owe the biggest apology?
noone’s been crueler than i’ve been to me

so what’s left from him? just words and sentences in my journals. wow, a great material for a story! i don’t like to write stories about love. anyway, i’ll make this one cuz i don’t want to lose all those words that i don’t feel anymore.

cascade… darkness… me with 3 of my friends… and one of them asked me, “have you seen A. lately? i’ve heard he got thinner.” i knew she lied cuz nobody had heard anything from him for ages. i felt the irony hidden under her question. i answered calmly, “no, there’s nothing from him.” and yet i couldn’t hide the anger of my voice. then she continued, “oh, i’m asking you cuz i know you see him very often.” i hid my face under my hat. i didn’t want them to see my anger. a topic which was considered as annoying to them. a topic that i hate! and they begin again…
“i see him very often,” i thought. isn’t it funny? the last time i saw him was half a year ago. 181 days. it’s the first time in my life that i haven’t seen, haven’t talk to him, haven’t heard from him for so long! and i don’t feel any pain in my heart. i feel it when my friends wanna make fun of me because of him ….

i’m helpless, weak…
there’s noone to feed me. i can’t stand on my feet. i’m dizzy. nobody cares. and the telephone rings. i can’t sleep. how i wish to have someone near me to dry my tears, to make me feel better. mother, i miss you. oh, why didn’t you take me with you? mum, i don’t wanna call you. you’ll be worried then. mum, sorry i couldn’t do the housework today. oh, mum, i hope i’ll feel better tomorrow, and the house will be clean before your return…. mum, i’m crying. even dad, even my bro don’t care about me. noone absolutely. you’re the only one i need. come back soon…

should i write now? night….. darkness….. silence…. and me alone awake. me alone making noise in this house. sometimes cars passing by the house. sometimes cats having sex. and nothing else.
and even the wind is quiet now.
me… thinking here about…. him… AGAIN… differently. with some heartache… memories… why? why can’t i forget him and though i don’t love him anymore?
… this beautiful summer… hot, but beautiful… it gives me a lot of time for thinking who i am, who i wanna be, what the hell is goin’ on with me. nothing. no answers. just a heartbeat in the silence and me… sitting here and typing this stupid entry.
so me… dreaming sometimes with an empty heart, without any love. and me… this little egotist… another me…. hated by men. and me – sooooo proud of myself…. me who wants a warm heart… me who will cry now. and yes… a tear drop on my keyboard… a drop full of something not understandable for me… a tear drop full of me… my empty heart… me… who doesn’t want to go to bed…. me… who needs a help…. me… who thinks he’s DEAD…

is this the holiday i was so much looking forward to?
i stay at home almost all through the day. i don’t know why i can’t bear the sun this summer. it kind of fries me and when i go out at the hot hours, i feel like i’m going to lose concsiousness. i didn’t have this before…
i don’t sleep too much. i always wake up at 10 or 11.
so i can do what i want.
i can do what i think i need and i also like.
and yet sunday is still “a day of laziness.” it’s when all i want is lying in my bed and sleeping for hours…
so i still don’t like sundays.
have to think of some more interesting things to do this summer. reading a book is not a solution. it’s something that i’ll enjoy during my entire life even when i get too old.
but for doing something interesting i need interesting people around me. my ideas aren’t enough and realizing them won’t be fun if there’s only me…

a very nice day i had…
woke up at 9am and couldn’t sleep more though my alarm clock was set on 11. i forced myself to stay in bed. it was a nice breezy morning and the window was open. a very good time for sleep. so i closed my eyes til a sound woke me up. i thought it was the alarm but there were still 2 minutes left.
…the sound of all i really want broke the silence (it was the alarm of my stereo) and it was followed by my alarm clock. then i realized that the sound i heard at first was my pager’s. i checked it and had message from my groupmate. he asked me to be in the uni at 12:30 as i had to give him something.
so i quickly got up and prepared myself and my bag (yeah, i had a lot of things to take with me to the uni for giving to my friends) and got out at 11:40. i was there at about 11:50. i saw Maria. she had passed her one last control test and got a 9! she was pretty happy as it was more than she expected. so i was happy with her. after giving all sorts of books to my friends, i came back home. decided to read. i did it a little but then my bro’s friend came who interrupted me by making some weird sounds with my bro. soon they went out and i decided to sleep a little. i heard my bro’s voice from the yard telling his friend, “ooh, it’s so hot today!”
i’m glad i didn’t go out. i continued to read the da vinci code. such an interesting book! i couldn’t stop reading it but i had to for many different reasons… i wanted to go out in the evening so i called Am but she didn’t feel like so i decided to stay at home just partly. i took a glass of coke and the book and went to the yard. i couldn’t read there as the girls living next door started a conversation with me……..
and still… what a calm day i had! i totally liked it but i’m sure that the repetition will make me depressed…….

the vacation has already begun! greaaaaaaaat! i passed all the exams automatically. here are my grades:
biochemistry – 10
physiology – 10
english – 10
russian – 9
isn’t it wonderful?
so go Byurie and start your amazing vacation!!!!!! have a nice summer!!!!!!