Կան բաներ, որոնք քո կյանքում կատարվում են, որովհետև մյուսները չպետք է կատարվեն: Երբեմն զայրանում ես, բայց հետո հասկանում, որ դա քո սեփական լավի համար էր և շնորհակալություն հայտնում ԱՍտծուն:

no more words to say. it’s like i never loved you before.
everytime i hear the phone i think it’s you… it’s you since noone talks there.
no, i don’t miss you. i miss my love to you. i wish i was able to love you as much as i did before.
i wonder what would you do if you heard my voice.
i have nothing to tell you. that’s why i don’t call.
maybe i have so much to tell but my heart hides everything. hides it from you.
whatever they may think.
whatever they may say.
i don’t care.
they say my love is a gift from God. i agree.
is it too late to think about it? is it too late for accepting the gift?
it’s never too late for doing something that might make you feel better.
maybe i’m still in love with you………
i remember you everytime i read my old diaries. i wonder if you’ll read them one day…..

sitting alone at home. many homeworks for tomorrow. and many thoughts. i miss….

i had a very serious conversation with my friend Nona. i told her everything i thought. i told her what i didn’t like about her and Anna. i digged up my memory and told her what i knew about what they talked behind my back.
we were talking about honesty at first. i told her that she wasn’t honest to me at least once during our friendship. to my surprise, she named that event at once. so she agreed that she wasn’t honest to me! well, as i had heard all about it from another friend, i knew the story clearly but Nona was still hiding some things.
well, it was all about my relationships with him. Nona and Anna didn’t know i was in love with him (i mean, i didn’t tell them) but they had guessed and they were talking about it sometimes. that is what Nona accepted. but then she said that she didn’t tell me about their doubts because i didn’t start a conversation about it. and she was lying! i knew the truth from somewhere else. they were actually talking such things, “oh, Byurie annoys me with her love. she says about him to many bad things but she loves him.” and the worst was that Nona told one of my other friends, “well, he doesn’t love Byurie, he loves me.”
and she was talking about honesty! she was still hiding such details and was trying to prove that it was my fault that they talked behind my back.
and the worst was that i think Nona was crying in the end. because there was silence suddenly and then she said goodbye and threw the phone….
so what to do now? continue my friendship with her? did she accept that what she had done to me wasn’t right?
i don’t care much. i don’t love him anymore.

a weird dream

i had a weird dream last night. it was a party (i think at my grandma’s). there were lots of people and probably my friends. everybody were dancing but i was sitting in a corner and watching them. suddenly HE appeared. he came straight to me and said in a very angry voice, “i love you.” then he gave an angry kiss to my lips and went behind the curtains. i followed him and asked, “was it true what you said?” he said, “no.” i turned to go but he stopped me and said, “yes, it is true. i love you.” then i don’t know what happened. all i rememeber is that i was dancing with someone else (my autumn love which lasted for a month). and then i remember how we got home. it was me, my grandpa and my brother. we were waiting for a transport for hours. yeah, and also i had a letter from my friend from the army (he was in love with me before) but i couldn’t read cuz it was snowing or raining. after getting into the bus, i read the letter but i don’t really remember what he wrote. it took some more hours for the bus to get home. when i was already there, i looked at my pager clock. it was 8:30am. no, no, it was wrong. i looked at the clock in the hall. it was 3:30pm. wow, it took 15 hours to get home! then i changed my clothes to go to uni. then i woke up at the sound of my pager.
ok, i surely know why i had this dream.

the v-day

it was St. Valentine’s day yesterday.
it was the first time in my life that I didn’t feel so sad. maybe it was because i had noone in my heart or maybe it was because there’s noone i hated.
the failure of my biochemistry test (actually, i passed it but i got a 6 which didn’t satisfy me at all) didn’t make me any sad. i didn’t even get angry with the teacher who gave so tricky questions so that i couldn’t answer. it was the day of love so i loved the teacher as well.
i shouldn’t forget about the wonderful party which we he in the house of one of the guys from CSUA. we put a box in the corner for v-cards and in the end we opened it. i had a green heart-shaped card with such a message, “i love you Buro, your hair, your dance, my ginger-bread.” i knew who wrote it! it was just a joke that some girls made and it made me laugh a lot.
i came home after midnight with lots of positive feelings. and again i’m happy i’m a Christian, i’m happy i know so many wonderful people, i’m happy i found myself in this tiny country…

there are things that happen in your life because of you even though it has (almost) nothing to do with you. but they say, “no, it wasn’t because of you.” but soon you really find out that if you weren’t there, it wouldn’t happen at all… you feel so important!

when i was little, i was looking for a place to feel great, to see well-understanding people around me. i couldn’t find anywhere so i was lonely. i was lonely at school. yeah, i was so different from my classmates. i used to come home and listen to the radio or read a book while others were partying together.
then i thought that the people i met by the radio were just those whom i really needed. after some time i realized that they were all pretending and they always thought of they’re own skin. also, a little time after i realized who the djs were. that made me kind of disappointed and i thought of finding a better place. i looked for it in the virtual world. i found AU. i made some great friends there. i still love them very much. but soon i had to leave AU for a while cuz i had to prepare for uni. and when i was back again, almost none of my friends were there anymore. yeah, i made some new friends (i love them very much!) but still whole AU wasn’t that place i was looking for.
and then my uni classes started. at first i was amazed. so many new people and they were so good! well, it didn’t last very long. little by little it became clear to me who they really were. now i have so few friends in the uni.
last summer (thanks to Maga!) i went to Sevan without having a clear idea why i was going there. those 7 days that i spent there made a change in my life. I ACCEPTED GOD. then i continued to go to CSUA office once a week or more sometimes. but still i felt lonely there. well, most of the students knew each other and i was new. it was hard for me to make friends with them.
… but Tsakhkadzor turned my life upside down. we were 27 and everybody became dear to me. i found a very large place for everyone in my heart. and i missed everyone. and everyone missed each other. so we couldn’t wait anymore. we met 2 days ago (3 days after leaving each other)! we talked a lot. we had a very honest conversation and we told everything we thought about each other (both good and bad). and i began to love them even more after that conversations. and i began to miss them even more after coming home. we’re going to meet this friday.
so i found the place i was looking for. we’re many but i love EVERYONE. and God is with us.

back from Tsakhkadzor

I’m back from Tsakhkadzor. I’m back in a great mood. I brought lots of positive feelings with me and… some negative. All the positive was from God. We all felt Him being with us during the whole conferences.
And what I liked the most was that we all looked like one big family. We were 27 and I knew everybody’s names. I loved every single person of that family. My love grew deeper and deeper day by day. And I began to love God even more.
Now I miss everyone. We planned to meet someday soon. Oh, and I couldn’t even imagine that I had so much love in my heart. And I couldn’t even imagine that I could be able to feel so happy! I was happier than ever when I saw so many students accepting God in the last evening. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone again. I send much love to them. I praise God for everything He did during those days….

Կարուսել

Ոչ վե՛րջ կա, ոչ ըսկի՛զբ այս երգում

Byurakn

Writer

Անձնական տարածք

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