Ես արդեն կարող եմ հայերեն գրել: Դա հրաշալի է: Թող ներեն ինձ իմ օտարերկրացի ընկերները, քանի որ ես նրանց համար էի ստեղծել այս օրագիրը: Ես սիրում եմ հայերենը, ու մտքերս ավելի լավ են ձևակերպվում հենց այս լեզվով: Խոստանում եմ ընկերներիս, որ ժամանակ առ ժամանակ անգլերենն էլ կօգտագործեմ, որ տեղյակ լինեն, թե իմ կյանքում ինչ է կատարվում…

it’s great to know you’ve passed the last exam of the session. you say, “another semester i survived.” you turn back and look at the exams you’ve passed and they seem to be very funny and easy at the same time. there are things you would like to change, although it wouldn’t make any difference in your marks.
and i love this… when there’s nothing to worry about… you can do anything you want. it’s good when it doesn’t last too long because then you find enough time for depression.

i feel that writing something is flowing in my veins… it’s inherited from my parents, from my ancestors. sometimes i want to take the pen and write something. no matter what, no matter where. that’s crazy and that’s why i find many weird papers with my hanwriting in my textbooks. sometimes they contain some senseless sentences. i don’t remember when and where, why i wrote them. there are some unfinished stories and i can’t remember what i wanted to tell with them. maybe i can collect all those pieces of papers and make one big story… a big unfinished story… all stories are unfinished, even if they are made-up. you always find something to add… you always want to know what happened after the end…

it’s kind of funny to receive an email from him just after a day i realized that i had stopped loving him long time ago and the feeling i had wasn’t really love, it was kinda connectedness. i read his message among 4 of the others i had in my inbox this morning. i didn’t even want to reply…

i’m feeling so down today… no mood to write… but there’s a lot or maybe nothing to tell…

i wrote an email to Am about the feelings i had yesterday. i got a very touching reply from her. here it is:
Dear BuBu jan,

I understand you pretty well, there is nothing extraordinary in your behaviour. You just care that person in a definite way. We all lose a little bit of ourselves whenever we are even seemingly in love. Sometimes we have to reject all our principles and we do things that we wouldn’t or shouldn’s then we start torturing ourselves discussing whether it was write or wrong, but let me tell you that this is the beauty of life, it is perfect that you have somebody for whom and with whom you can forget yourself and do things that are almost unpredictable.

Take care

Am

i was standing in front of him. i thought i would hug. i hadn’t seen him for already 387 days. i should’ve missed him. yeah, that’s what i thought just before seeing him. but i didn’t run towards him, i didn’t hug him. it was like i didn’t really want to see him or i had seen him the day before. maybe he was surprised of the way i behaved. he gave a kiss on my cheek…
…then he hugged me. i didn’t feel the warmth i used to. but i wanted to hug him. before he left, he said, “by the way, i love you so much!” i smiled. “i love you too,” was my answer. but it wasn’t the love i had before. my heart wasn’t burning anymore. i felt very uncomfortable while i was standing in front of him.
then i had a plenty of time to analyze what i felt. do i really love him? do i really need him? i’m so confused. i knew he was going to call me cuz God told me so but i had no idea i was going to have such a meeting. what did God want to show me by that?
who am i for him? is he just using me? i don’t understand… everything’s so confusing.

my first update in this year.
well, it’s the part of the year i hate. exams…
i remember the end of the term before… the only thing we worried about was biochemistry and all the words we used had something to do with the subject, e.g. names of enzymes.
now that we’ve left biochemistry in the past, there’s something else to worry about, which is more difficult (at least for me) and not interesting at all. it’s microbiology. i get tired of reading all those gram-positive and gram-negative bacteria. i hate to know all those details about their “life”… i don’t really care about the diseases they cause. but i have to know everything, memorize… things that i’m going to forget just after i get out of the exam room.

Կարուսել

Ոչ վե՛րջ կա, ոչ ըսկի՛զբ այս երգում

Byurakn

Writer

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