Protected: ignoring someone without really ignoring

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it’s strange… i just opened my diary to look what i thoughts i had exactly a year ago. and i had exactly the same thoughts as today. revenge… i was thinking of revenge. and i’m still thinking of it. and i don’t have any idea how is it going to happen. i’m gonna take a revenge from exactly the same person mentioned exactly a year ago.
and exactly a year ago i wrote this sentence, “what can you feel if you’ve been friends with someone for 5 years but he still doesn’t know you?” how naive i was!!! how could he know me when he didn’t care of knowing me at all? or maybe he knows me… but he just doesn’t care. oh, i know how to call it… i know him TOO well…

feeling better today. no temperature, no fatigue, less cough. i was even able to go to uni. it was very funny. the auditorium was very noisy during the lecture cuz everybody were coughing! there were very few people that weren’t ill yet.
then i came home and slept a little. i didn’t even notice how it started to snow. i don’t know why i suddenly remembered something that had happened a year ago. i remembered it very detailed, every word i had said, every word i had heard, all the people i had seen. i can’t say if i was awake or it was just a dream but i was laying in the bed and my eyes were closed.
…when i opened my eyes, i felt a bitter smile on my face. that was a smile for the bitterness of my past.

still no changes. well, a bit better compared to last evening but the same as yesterday afternoon. i think i haven’t been ill like this since i was 6. i remember, it was in winter and i was staying at my grandma’s and still nothing helped me. not even injections. i coughed and coughed.
because of my illness i couldn’t do what i was supposed to do this weekend. i just layed down in my bed, read a book (master and margarita by bulgakov – i quite like it) and listened to bob dylan. well, sometimes i was able to stand up and walk around and spend some minutes in front of the comp.
i probably won’t go to the uni tomorrow. well, all i have is a physiology lecture so i’m not going to lose much. but i have to fill my absence! and just a week left for that. shit, why did this happen just before the last week of this semestre? i could stay at home with pleasure if it was a month ago but now… all my tests are gonna be messed up.
well, i hope tomorrow will be the last day of my illness so that i’ll be able to prepare for the anatomy test and pass it without any problems and then pass my anatomy exam automatically.

…it’s a pleasure for me that some people still remember me. it’s kind of a support when i’m soooo ill.

still no signs of recovery. i was coughing the whole night and coughing so hard. it was like there were needles in my throat. so i went to kitchen and ate some honey. it helped a little.
i’m afraid this is not flu cuz absolutely nothing helps me. just honey makes my cough a bit softer and painless. but that’s just for a while. then i have to eat more and more. i hate this. how long will it last?

i wonder why i loved him. i was looking into his eyes though he couldn’t see me. and still was wondering why i loved him. he looked like a woman more than a man. i’d think he was a woman if i didn’t know him. i saw that he was worried for a moment. was it because of me? he seemed so funny to me, so far, so strange. it seemed i had never known him before. probably i really haven’t. it seemed it wasn’t he whom i loved for 4 years. and he didn’t care. i didn’t care as well. 4 lost years. 4 years of foolishness. 4 wasted years. 4 years of lessons.

i’m ill. i hate it. i don’t remember such case in my life. just after a recovery a week ago, i’m ill again. uh, nothing special – it’s just a flu. but still… i usually had it once a year and now… this is the third time. i can’t stop coughing. i hate it. i feel a taste of pus in my mouth and coldness in my throat. and my mum can’t stop smoking. she knows how i feel but she just told me to go to my room. oooooh, it’s coooooold there! i have no choice. either i have to breathe the smoke of cigarettes or i must go to my room, where the wind is blowing and the winter is tougher than outside.
i don’t want to take medicine. i’m tired of all kind of medicine. i don’t want tea with lemon. yeah, it helps sometimes but i’m bored of it. ooh, i wanna go to bed.


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a quiz for my friends

hey everyone!!! take this quiz. i wonder how much do you know about me.
Take my Quiz on!

a messed up world. a world that was messed up by….. me. a messy-messy world. and i can’t get out of that mess. maybe i can but i don’t want.
a strange little girl in the middle of that mess. a little girl that doesn’t really understand what’s going on… listening to bob dylan the whole day. what’s the point of it? is he going to help me? wait, but what’s wrong with me? i was quite happy yesterday. and today also. but i feel a messed up thing inside myself. i don’t want anything. that’s the feeling.
2 more weeks for school. i don’t really care. i’m not looking forward to New Year and all that shit that it brings. i want to read a book, a very interesting one. i want a rest. oh, it’s always the same just before the end of each semestre. i want calmness, i want to read a book which i couldn’t do during the semestre. but now it’s a bit different. i can’t explain what is it, what book i do want to read. i have a huge list waiting for me but i can’t choose any of them. i want to read a thick book in one day and a very-very good one, that would be the best one i’ve ever read. how can i choose it? it’s pretty hard to know it’s gonna be the best before reading it. ok, i’ll think about it later. yet i have 2 weeks. i have 4 control tests, 4 “left side” tests, 12 “right side” tests, 3 exams. all of those, except from the exams, i have to finish til the end of this month. i’m not afraid of the exams. histology and anatomy… i hope i’ll have enough credits for passing them automatically. and psychology… well, it’s the easiest thing in the world. so i’ll be able to read a book from about the 20’s of this month. and i hope i’ll choose the right book…

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