it’s the last day of the year. i hate it. we’re all in a rush. what for? the day is going to change tonight, the month too and the year too. but does it make any sense? i still don’t understand why people celebrate this stupid holiday in this very stupid way. visiting each other, eating as much as possible in one whole week… it’s kinda funny. and when it comes to Christmas, many families just don’t know how to celebrate it. most of them don’t even know what’s that holiday for. yeah, but they know what’s new year for… eating and drinking, getting drunk….. yuck! how i hate it!
i hope i’ll have a nice party in CSUA and not one of those at my grandpa’s who usually makes me eat the things my step-grandma (his wife) has cooked and usually i don’t want to eat for many reason… i want to have fun and not each all that stuff on different tables…

i didn’t know how to react. i didn’t know how to feel. was it something that had to make me happy or something that had to make me sad? it was hard to understand. i had a strong headache. i was feeling sick. i was holding the pillow and i couldn’t think or pray. and then i heard he didn’t win. was it something i was waiting for? no, not this time.
i wanted to be next to him at that moment. i’m sure he needed me even if he didn’t realize….

when i was prayin for my love to him, this is what He answered me through the Bible, “Do not call anything impure that God has made clean.” (Acts 11:9)

me – running through the fog
me – shouting his name
me – searching for him
all around the world
me – missing him again
me – trying to forget
me – being ignored
me – loving him so much
me – crying in the streets
me – wanting him to hug

he – sitting in the light
he has forgotten my name
he – running away from me
hiding from the ghost
he – having too much fun
he doesn’t think of me
he doesn’t need me yet

me – wanting to die
me – hiding in the dark
me – so cold inside

i’m feeling like nothing to him. i know he doesn’t care about me. he remembered me not because he wanted to know how i am or even if i’m alive or not but he needed some help… and not psychological. he needed something else which made me feel like nothing and not nobody. and i love him still. am i going to see him this year? am i going to hug him this year? there’s not much time left and i’m very busy… but i’ll do it… i’ll see him before 2006 comes.
…i wonder if he’ll come if i call him just before my death, if seeing him will be my last wish… i wonder if he’ll come to my funeral… if he’ll put a flower on my grave… if he’ll remember me ever after… if he’ll read my diaries… those that he’ll get after my death…
no, he doesn’t care… he’ll remember me only when he’ll need something… he’ll call me but well… i’ll be dead…

there’s a piece of love still left in my heart and i want to keep it. i don’t want to lose it like the most part of it.
and this little piece of love is floating to the unknown…
yes, i miss him. i’m really bored of this sentence. he never understands it. no use of repeating everytime. he never understands how much i need him. he understands nothing.
mysterious things are going on. things that weren’t supposed to happen but they do for some reasons or without any… and all those are somehow connected with him. i’m confused. i know it has a meaning because it’s not 1, not 2… at least 4 things that have something to do with him… they reach me through different ways, through different people and different events but they do reach me…
i’m going to write a new story calling it “the circle.”
when you have a circular route, you always reach to the same point somehow. it’s the same… it’s like i’ve reached to the same point. well, it’s not exactly the same (it’s impossible) but i feel like i’m walking on the same road as i did last year.
oh, and i haven’t seen him this year. this is the first year that i haven’t seen him since the day we met. only 25 days left. am i going to have a year without seeing him, without having idea how does he look like now? no, no, no…

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many years ago i liked to make friends with people who were much older than me. yeah, like 5 or 8 or 12 or something else… now that i’m older i’m searching for younger friends. is it because my older friends annoy me? is it because i’m tired of those oldish problems??? maybe it’s kind of a try of bringing back my childhood.
i want to talk, i want to tell about myself to someone. yeah, it’s the same wish. it’s kind of a wanting-to-talk-to-someone syndrome. there’s only one way of healing me. it’s listening and understanding. then i’ll be saved… and i’m looking for younger people because i think older ones won’t understand me. no, they will! i’m sure they will! my good old friends, where are you?

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