i went to Bambir’s (an armenian rock band) concert yesterday. it was kind of weird. i didn’t enjoy it at all though i love the band very much. i didn’t want to dance crazily. i didn’t want to shout loudly. yeah, i wasn’t a 13-14-year-old anymore. i just wanted to go home as soon as the concert ends and listen to Karine’s cd. i had been waiting for it since morning. and it was the second time in my life i had this feeling. the first time was about 6 years ago when alanis’s sfij was just released. i was counting the minutes for coming back home and listening to my fav songs of that time.
and i also feel i’m back to music. i didn’t care much what i listened to lately. just some music for doing my homeworks and that was all. i was always forgetting who sang there (alanis, tori, joan baez or starsailor). so now i really care what i listen to (oh, i’m listening to Karine only since friday and to joan as my dad returned my fav cd at last). and i can’t wait to listen to my old fav cds. it’s kind of a mess. to many albums in a queue and i don’t know which one to choose. so i’m kind of 13 again…

thinking of him again. i wonder what’s he’s doing now. i imagined him in a mental hospital. i don’t know why i think he’s going crazy. and i haven’t seen him for… wow, 3 months! how fast time passed. and it was kind of easy living without him. does he still remember me? well, i sometimes do. i wonder when am i going to see him again. yeah, it’s going to be in a mental hospital after i become a psychiatrist (so many years to go!). he’s going to be my first patient! wow, it would be really amazing! no, no, i’ll see him down on his knees. wait, he won’t do that ever cuz he won’t be sorry. he’s soooooo cruel! i think the best thing is to forget him and forget about seeing him again. he’s just a piece of my past that won’t come back again… so goodbye my dear… you will not see me again because… you don’t want to…

ah, being stupid again…

Oh the nights are long
But life is longer still
Oh the nights are long
But the sun’s coming over the hill

Karine Polwart

it was the best concert in my life… i’m sure it really was… there’s a big difference in listening to a CD and listening to someone standing on the stage in front of you and singing so live! there’s a big difference in listening to the music you love and to the music you don’t really like very much. and both live! so this was such a concert that was live and that was played a kind of music that touched my heart. i heard her for the first time in my life but it was like i had known her for ages. the whole concert was like a dream. a very sweet one! i almost cried when she sang the light on the shore.
Are we old enough and bold enough that we do not need to cry?
so i’m still listening to her music. this was one of the brightest days of my life.
…and i also liked that she was a wonderful person…

i thought spring was here but it snowed… crazy march…
it snowed as a joke.
it snowed as a surprise.
and it was like my life.
it was like spring. so new! so fresh! but some old memories started to tease me. like snow in spring. like clouds covering the sun…

i had another weird dream last night… i was looking for him but couldn’t find. i found his home address and wrote a letter but couldn’t send… i don’t know why. yeah, it’s like the reality. i just don’t want to find him


happy…….. soooooooooooooo happy!!!!!!!!!!!! sooooooooooo joyful!!!!! soooooooo full of love!!!!!!! it’s wonderful!!!!! he can remember me not. he can love me not. he can just ignore me. and i’m happy WITHOUT him!!!!! i’m happy because i love….. i love God…. i love the happiness He gives me…. and i love the world i live in…..

i was surfing in my mailbox. suddenly i noticed an email sent by him that i hadn’t deleted yet. it was the only email i had kept from him. and i wonder how was it kept in my mailbox. i reread it. it contained a very nice compliment. it contained so much love in it! and how stupid i were years ago. i couldn’t i notice that he loved me. it’s too late now…

a year ago….

it was a year ago that i wrote this… i wrote in my diary…

…it was exactly the same day when i didn’t want to see him. it was exactly the same day when i was walking down the streets, i was all alone but didn’t want to see him. i missed him, i wanted to hug him, i wanted to play with his hair, to hold his hand, to look into his eyes, to feel his breath soooo near, but… i didn’t want to see him, i just didn’t want.
“you’re lost,” he said.
“no, you’re lost,” i answered.
“where were you?” he asked.
“i was living in my own world.”
“which is your own world?” and he was afraid.
“one, where noone can enter.”
“i have a friend. he thinks the same.”
“hm, some people can enter my world but…”
he interrupted me and then i don’t remember what he said. and then…
“i saw you that day…”
“where?” i was surprised.
“you were wearing a red dress.”
“yes… it was a week ago.”
should i tell him that i was wandering around for seeing him but i didn’t really want to? should i tell him how lonely i were at that moment and how much i needed him? No. if there was the need, he could read it in my eyes…

hm… what a sad story. i had almost forgotten about it. hehe, it sounds so romantic right now but how it hurted me a year ago! no, such things won’t happen to me again…

no, she can’t do what she wants. just because Nona hates her, it doesn’t mean i must hate her too. just because Nona thinks that she pretends everytime, it doesn’t mean i shouldn’t think she’s natural. just because she hates Nona, it doesn’t mean she must hate me too.
i’m tired of this story. Nona wants me to make a choice. she’s sure that i’ll regret one day because she will show her real face… what if what i see now is her real face? what if she’s not that hypocrite? what if it’s all Nona (one of my best friends)? i’m sooo confused… someone help me… i’m very naive…. i might make serious mistakes and i might lose a friend…

half an hour ago…. my mum’s friend called. she was crying. she couldn’t talk. my mum was worried. she repeated many times, “what happened? are you sure?” and then began to cry… my mum’s friend’s brother had an accident and died… and me… i pray for him. even though i’ve never seen him, even though i’ve seen that friend only once in my life, some tears came out of my eyes. i really liked that girl and she has lost her brother. kind of a feeling that i want to be next to her right now….

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