i’m alone at home.
listening to joni mitchell.
thinking… praying…
i’m not in a mood of writing something though there’s so much to tell.
i’m gonna leave yerevan tomorrow. i don’t want to…

David… I remembered him last night. It was because I felt that I needed someone and I couldn’t understand the one I needed for sharing my thoughts was a man or a woman, a friend or just someone I know, young or old. I opened a random page of one of my diaries. It was about David, how we met. I remembered his promise that he was going to become an amazing friend of mine. He didn’t keep his promise til today. I wanted to find him to tell that he didn’t keep his promise. And I don’t know why I thought that he would be the best friend of mine at that moment. He would understand me clearly and he would try to help me.
David… An Indian student of our University… A year higher. We met at the carnival last year. He wanted to talk to me cuz he had seen me several times during the breaks and he had noticed that I was always alone… He seems to have forgotten me. He hardly says “Hi” everytime he sees me.

i don’t know what’s going on with me. i runaway from home to grandma’s, i feel very well there for 2 days and then i can’t stay there anymore so i come back home.
i decided to stop my relationships with my friends for a while but then i felt i missed them. they called me first. after talking with some of them, i felt even worse.
…but i thought a lot when i was at my grandma’s… i remembered some conversations with different people who told me that “i love you” is so hard to say for guys. they don’t say it directly. they try to show it with other words, other actions. well, i knew it before but i didn’t pay much attention. but when i was at my grandma’s, i analyzed all the words he said and i realized that those were nothing but “i love you.”
…it’s too late now to care that he loved me. i don’t love him anymore and i hope he doesn’t also…

not in contact with most of my friends already for 5 days. it’s kind of amazing for me. i want them to miss me and to see if they’re going to worry with no news about me for a long time. the only friends i still see are from CSUA and from uni.
i’ll go to my grandma’s tomorrow. i think i found the peace i was looking for so this time i’ll go just to make my grandma’s day more interesting. poor woman. she lives alone. well, my dad stays with her quite a lot but she needs her grandchildren as well. i hope my cousin will join me soon.

tryin’ to find peace

i went to my grandma’s house. i stayed there for almost 3 days. i went there to think, to rest a little, to find peace. i was reading a peaceful book, watching peaceful movies, peaceful people visited my grandma. noone called me, no messages on my pager. i was living soooooo far from my usual life.
but i felt bored today so decided to come back home. so i did. and i couldn’t find peace here. i didn’t want to go back to my grandma’s either. i want a corner in this world that will be able to keep me in peace forever. isn’t that only place the grave? it’s too early to think about it. so i still have to try to find peace somewhere else and i’m going to stay restless til the end of my days.

i don’t know. i wanted to write the date and the time and leave blank to show that i felt something but couldn’t describe it with words.
i watch myself and think of the people and objects all around. i don’t know why this question appeared, “for what?” i analyze my relationships with different people and i feel emptiness. i run here and there but i can’t understand why. noisy parties seem to be funny and the phone calls are boring. the internet isn’t what it was before. i can read only for some minutes and leave even the most interesting book. i’m too lazy to solve japanese puzzles (i loved them before). i don’t want to talk about my studies. now i’m sure that i’ll never become a doctor. and the worst thing is that i don’t understand what i want. i want to become a psychologist but i need one for myself.
i want to stop my relationships with most of my old friends. oh, no, they haven’t done anything bad to me. i think that there’s nothing more to share.
i want honest, pure and clean relationships with people. is in possible in this century? i’ve just realized that it’s what i’m looking for. i wish i could be fully honest with someone and gain the same from him/her. i dream but i forget that it’s impossible even if the person in front of you is someone like one of my teachers in uni (i’m not gonna specify who). cuz i had a lot to tell her 2 days ago that i kept inside myself.

what’s wrong with me? that feeling didn’t leave me. and when i went to bed, my heartbeat became faster and stronger. couldn’t sleep. i had a fear of something. fear of death? fear of losing someone? i decided to continue reading the book i’ve just started. it’s Quo Vadis by Henryk Sienkiewicz. it was really interesting that i could hardly stop reading it before going to bed. but then… when i realized i couldn’t sleep, i switched on the light and took the book. i read 2 pages but couldn’t remember what i had read. i turned on the computer. there wasn’t much to do in the internet as well.
i feel that my hands are getting cold. i feel cold inside my whole body. is it just me or is it cold here? our house is so warm usually. maybe it’s just me.
and i realize that i need him more than ever. maybe the reason why i feel like this is that i really don’t know if he’s for me or not. i really don’t know i love him or not. i really don’t know i miss him or not. oh, if you read this, please call me. i wanna know what i feel while talking to you. it’s not enough. maybe i should tell you everything about what i was feeling before and what i feel now. and that even when i had stopped loving you, i still have to struggle against you. i can’t anymore. one, two, three and… i’ll go crazy. i’m pretty serious. oh, help me, please! you’re the only one that can help me…

it was really weird…
i know that i have something to do with her…
it wasn’t the first time…
well, i still had that weird feeling that something was going to happen. and i was thinking of Lili. i knew that she was going to appear again. yeah, she disappears for some time. i might forget her for months but whenever i remember her again, she calls me or i see her somewhere near opera.
and again… i remembered her again… and that weird feeling… well, i didn’t want to find any connection between Lili and that weird feeling.
it began to annoy me… that feeling. so i prayed and asked God if something was going to happen, then let it happen at that moment. AT THAT MOMENT i heard a telephone call. i picked up the phone. it was… Lili… i was sooooooo surprised though i was waiting for that call.
she’s not a very close friend to me but i know that we have something to tell each other. i don’t know what. i’ve lost her for several times and found again. there must be something important. oh, i wish i could tell what it is….

…a glass of coke i’m drinking now…
…the new year pics…
…i went to a sattionery today…
…and i forgot what i wanted to buy…
…i bought a book that one of my teachers had recommended…
…i didn’t expect to find it today…
…a very weird day…
…messed up thoughts…
…i’m waiting for something and i don’t know what is it…
…i tried to read the book i started yesterday…
…i wanted to write something but i was too lazy…
…i wanted to sleep…
…i was lazy again…
…a weird day…

my mum says i’m a child. she says that i’m quite clever for my age but still i’m a child. she’s afraid that i’ll stay a child forever and i won’t ever get married. isn’t it wonderful? i don’t want to be a woman. i don’t want to get married! isn’t it good to act like a child and be childish forever but be cleverer than almost anyone of your age? oh, my mum doesn’t understand it. she keeps saying that i should act like a female, i should use some make-up, i should wear skirts and shoes with high heels. NO! i don’t want to spend my time on such stupid things. make-up annoys me. it’s like there’s something on my face that shouldn’t really be. short skirts and high heels are soooooo uncomfortable. it’s better to be free than to suffer from all those things that might make me more beautiful. i don’t want to be more than i am. i’m who i am and i’m not going to change anything. i don’t care if people, especially guys, don’t want to accept me how i am. i don’t care if guys aren’t crazy about me like they are for some other girls. i’m going to be the girl i’ve always been and i’m never going to put limits on my freedom. there’s nothing more beautiful than freedom in this world. and that’s the most wonderful thing that God gave to human.

“i don’t want to walk around with heels that are uncomfortable and skirts that are too tight and makeup that’s hideous and cleavage sticking out…”
Alanis Morissette

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