the lights of cascade… it was cold. we were many. i wasn’t alone this time. but it didn’t make any difference. it was exactly the same as last year… it was a year and 5 days ago when i went there so lonely and disappointed… i was searching for something or someone there but i didn’t find. and today i couldn’t stay there any longer. so i had to leave…

heart?

talk to me, my heart, tell me what you feel,
don’t hide from me, please, my world so real,
yes, you know too much and you’ve lived so long
in my frozen hands and my body cold,
let me touch you, heart, let me tell you now
the autumn is here, just behind my eyes.
remember, dear heart, the leaves in my hands
remember, my love, the wind in my friends.
look at me, my heart, don’t hide anymore
show the dream i want, tell the story long
sing the song i love, bring the tears down
beat so softly, please, and don’t make me drown
drink my blood so bitter, take my broken life
tell me who i am, tell me who i’m not
show me what i did, show me what i want
hold my hand warmly, take me back to the rain
wash me with your tears, dry me with your strain

trust me, my heart, i’m not a stranger
hold me, heart, i need you more than ever

the dream… my autumn dream… coming back to me again. my foolish dream, my crazy dream… it’s dream more than a dream… it’s a dream inside a dream… i realized it yesterday. no one will ever understand what i mean by this unless i explain.
and i won’t… my dream or even my Dream… the most beautiful and sad one…

it was a warm and sunny day (probably one of the last ones this november). the sun wasn’t dim yet and there were still some leaves on the trees…
i loved the calmness of that part of the town. and when i got there, i realized how i loved that place. i promised myself, “i’m going to work here.” it was the psychiatric hospital in Norq. i hadn’t been there since last december. it was like an old best friend. i missed the building, my teacher, the rooms, the lessons… and the calmness all around. there were other students in the room… other than me. i was kind of jealous. they didn’t care of the subject… they didn’t know what they were missing. i wanted to go back a year… and stop the time there…
and when we were going back to the university, i remembered those roads that i crossed all alone… last year… 2 days before my birthday. i remember the argue with my classmates and i remember the tears that washed the roads… my camera and the pictures i made… the wonderful autumn… i wanted to bring back those moments… the pain i felt in my heart… i wanted to bring it back too… it was a beautiful pain… my friend Inna who was walking next to me would never realize what those roads meant to me. yes, i want to become a psychiatrist and work in that same hospital… i want to bring back my pain.

the week consists of 2 parts for me (and for many people too) – the weekend and the weekdays. don’t ask me which is better. i hate them equally. and the 5 weekdays pass as fast as the weekend. i’m worn out at the end of the weekdays. i’m too lazy at the weekend. and then it’s monday again. i hate that cycle. i want something new. like 6 weekdays and a weekend consisting of 3 days. and then something different. it’s the same all over the years. maybe that’s the optimal way. so i begin the week with a new strength every monday. then i’m very tired on fridays. then i have something to do in the uni on satrudays. finally, sunday… the day of laziness. but i have no choice anymore. can’t be lazy as i have a lot to do on sundays. that’s my busiest day.

you would ask why i am awake at this time. it’s because a nightmare woke me up. and whenever a nightmare wakes me, i’m unable to sleep again til the sunrise. so i have several hours to spend my eyes open tonight. i’m going to have a busy day tomorrow. i need a rest now. but it’s just impossible to fall asleep now… i must pray.

i was bored of that friendship but when i felt it was breaking, i wanted to save it… it was difficult, very difficult. 2 of 5 were already out. the other 3 (and one of them is me)… trying to explain each other what happened. no, Nona wouldn’t tell anything. it was Anna who guessed everything. i was surprised of the way she analyzed. she found out all the details by herself. Nona was trying to hide everything. i felt so stupid cuz i hadn’t guessed anything… but our friendship was saved.
…and while they were arguing, i was silent. i was thinking of what had Nona done to me 2 years ago. it was a similar story. but this time everything was done to her. 2 years ago she had done almost the same to me… she didn’t realize. i felt a pain in my heart…
he has forgotten me again. i need him….

35.3 degrees. that’s not a normal temperature for sure. but when do people have it? i opened my textbook. there’s a lot about fever but not even a word about decreased temperature.
i didn’t feel very bad actually. just some dizziness for a moment. and also i couldn’t concentrate.
35.3 degrees. i feel normal but that’s an abnormal temperature. i’m abnormal again. i’m cold. it’s coming from my icy heart where the temperature is even lower. no warmth around. no, i won’t die even if i get colder. that’s my nature being a cold person. so it’s not only my character but also i’m cold physiologically. i’m a piece of ice. you’d say there’s no ice with 35.3. i’d say there is – it’s me.

Byurie, don’t cry……..

No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won’t make you cry.

this feeling inside me. i hate to tell about it again. the autumn in my heart. the yellow leaves in my eyes and the wind in my ears. it’s the same, always the same. the autumn is full of pain and solitude. the autumn is cold and rainy.
memories coming with the wind.
memories coming with the rain.
memories coming with the leaves.
it’s the same every year. it’s a weird shape with different angles. it’s a star shining in my mind and when it grows dim, the autumn comes. it’s a story of a long-lasting love. it’s a story of remissions and recedives. it’s a chronical illnes… my love for him.

Կարուսել

Ոչ վե՛րջ կա, ոչ ըսկի՛զբ այս երգում

Byurakn

Writer

Անձնական տարածք

Մտնելուց առաջ ոտքներդ սրբեք

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